I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
