Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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