i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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