I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Everything about him screamed your future.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
