I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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