So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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