My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
