I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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