Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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