That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
