TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
