So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
