i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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