Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
