I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
