you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
