Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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