So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
