Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
