before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
