What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
