The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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