I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
