He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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