After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
