Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A+ Viking dick
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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