if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
50% drunk capacity currently
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
