Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
