Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
