I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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