I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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