I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
