I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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