Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
