the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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