jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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