are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
