Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
