my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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