Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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