I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
