Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
