Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
