There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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