So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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