we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
is that a dick in a sweater?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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