forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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