You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
