I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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