you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
