sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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