I will die if light touches me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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